Published Elsewhere: 2SLGBTQIAQA+ Viewpoint― An Open Letter to a Cousin About My Being Gay

Now that we are both grown, I realize that we don’t really know each other.

Photo by Derek Owens on Unsplash

Cousin Carol. We are “friends” on Facebook and in real life, cousins. I am older, you are younger. When you were born, I helped welcome you home as your mom and dad arrived at the apartment building in which both of our families lived. Over the years, I began with babysitting and changing your diapers, and watched as you grew into early womanhood.

Your family; my Aunt, Uncle, and the four of you kids moved to California. I do not remember when or why, but it ended up being a good move for you all. Over the years, as an adult, I visited California several times.

But then, as happens with families, we no longer kept in touch, and knowing who you were slowly disappeared. I do not remember if you went to college, what your ambitions or career choices were, or who the man you married was. I never got to know any of your children, or by now, the children of your children.

I do remember that as a child and a young woman, you were independent. You lived life your way and became who you chose to become. Your mom raised you to be so and to do so, but then this caused conflict between the two of you because she was so successful in doing so.

You were born Jewish but chose to follow Jesus. Not sure what denomination of what church. You grew up a tomboy and became a strong woman and wife, and I assume a strong mother and grandmother as well. I do not know any of these details.

I do know, from following you on Facebook, that many of our views are not the same. You voted for Trump, and I did not. I believe I know that you are a strong Republican, and I am not.

Enough said. Witnessing, in your posts, your attitudes towards life and your place in it, I knew our views continued to differ significantly. I will not discuss life ideologies, politics, and candidate preferences any further here.

I might be correct in saying that your religious beliefs were as strong as you and that you followed many of your church’s expectations and beliefs.

That brings me to the reason for this open letter to you (you being kept anonymous in my Prism & Pen essay).

In particular you posted this:

https://americasbestpics.com/picture/7xYKfKlWA

I responded with:

To know who I am, what I believe, how I live my life … you DO need to know about my sexuality.

You replied with:

That’s a one on one the world doesn’t need to know you. I feel you never tried to push your life style choices on anyone. I don’t like it when people push me to accept or reject. Everyone is their own story

Instead of trying to continue a “discussion,” “rebuttal”, “battle”, online; I decided to write this essay as a letter. Over the years I have oscillated between “unfriending” you because I just didn’t want to deal with or be involved with your comments, your beliefs. Some of them are so abhorrent to me, but because I love you, and although I don’t necessarily like who you have become, I try to accept you as you are. (I never mailed it and rather unfriended you.)

I felt, however, that I needed to respond to your Facebook post: “Keep your sexuality to yourself.”

I felt a strong need to speak up after having been “in the closet” for so long, for too long. After having fought so long to gain the freedom to love whom I choose, without any church telling me how to choose, without any government telling me if I am entitled to choose, and without family to accept or reject me because of whom I am attracted to sexually.

After being silent so often, even with my own family in my early days of coming out gay, and recognizing that silence = death, the slogan that came out of the HIV/AIDS battles, I know that being gay is not only a personal thing. It is a societal, cultural, and humanitarian issue.

It is so much more when so many in the LGBTQIA+ Community are suppressed, oppressed, legislated against, ostracized, bullied, attacked, and murdered! Not wanting to carry on a public debate on your Facebook page, I decided to write this piece. I do not think I will send it, however, as I know it is fruitless to try to convince you.

I wanted to reply, but didn’t want it to be public to all of Facebook (so I will do it here), just between you and me: My being gay is NOT one on one, the world does need to know I am gay. Not knowing that I am gay would be not to know a huge part of who I am.

I may not have pushed my lifestyle choices (if it is a lifestyle and if they are choices and not something with which I was born) on anyone, but part of knowing me and possibly loving me is accepting who I am, and a large part of that is that I am a gay man!

You say that everyone is their own story, and I agree. But sharing our stories with each other is part of the process of loving and accepting each other, and our differences. I do not need to wave a flag about what I like to do in bed … but I do need to wave a flag about the fact that I am a man who is sexually attracted to and comfortable in loving other men.

The story of my first male lover, Robert, and our 13 years together is an important part of who I am. How that relationship changed and the story of my meeting Gregory, my husband of 41 years, is an important part of who I am.

A big part of my story is also Gregory’s being diagnosed with Dementia, most likely Alzheimer’s Disease, in the 29th year of our relationship, and my walking the Alzheimer’s Path with him for over 12 years. His death and my grief are an important part of the story of who I am!

If I need to keep being gay as a “one on one” and if I cannot be open and honest about my being gay, my stories and my life will have been in vain. My story will have no meaning for others who might want to know me and who might benefit from knowing and loving me! My story will not help others deal with similar stories or the stories of their children, their families.

Regarding forced acceptance or rejection: By asserting that the positions of “open the pipeline” and “finish the wall” are “common sense” (distinct from “politics”), the meme is saying that those positions aren’t debatable. It’s pushing everyone to accept fossil fuels and reject immigrants. And yet you don’t acknowledge that the fact of how I live my life is non-debatable. My authentic presence, for some reason, is seen as pushing people to accept or reject you.

I wonder, if I had made my way west and wanted to visit you and your family, would Gregory and I have been welcome? Would your children and grandchildren have known his and my relationship? Especially if they asked, would you have explained?

If it were while he was dealing with Alzheimer’s, would they know why I was in charge? Would they have understood why I acted in a way a wife might as I made his decisions, finished his sentences, and at times had to hug him to calm him, or change (what I called) his “paper pants”?

During our visit, we would not have to talk about the fact that we were two men who fucked and loved and committed to each other, but could we have talked about our life, our dramas, our travels, our new home, buying a new car, our hopes for the future … and all those things loving couples do … like you and your husband do with your love for each other? Could we have touched (non-sexually), held hands, or embraced?

Would you have behaved as if we were an abomination? A sin? Worthy of being shunned by God and sentenced to hell?

It turns out we did not get married when it became the law of the land, because it would have been financially complicated and bankrupted us. If we had, would you have blessed our union?

Being gay is a complicated thing. Being straight needs no explanation. People do not describe the union of a man and a woman as a straight wedding, but still need to talk about gay weddings. Not recognizing the love between two men or two women is a painful and also complicated thing.

Ellen DeGeneres, a respected entertainer, has said, “I wait for the day that gay marriage will just be marriage.”

It is easier for others not to understand the importance of my “coming out gay” if only because everyone assumes I am straight, until otherwise spoken. And in that assumption, miss most of the story of who I am.

Often, you hear a “straight” person ask, “Why does there need to be a Gay Pride month? There isn’t a Straight Pride Month? Gay pride flag, straight pride flag? Just gay pride itself? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there didn’t have to be this singling out? Maybe someday?

If you follow my Facebook page, I wonder if you have noticed that I am openly sharing with anyone who might care to know. Does that repulse you, or do you love me anyway, no qualifications, unconditional love? If YES, I do not feel your love. Sorry.

I am not trying to push you to accept or reject me. Everyone has their own story, as you say, and I wanted to share mine with you in more detail. In your very large family, I wonder if any of your family is gay or lesbian, bisexual, or seeking gender affirmation? And if they are comfortable and/or feel safe to come out to you?

Maybe this letter to you will help not to convince you to accept or reject, but just to be more understanding of what it means to us to be honest enough to say proudly, “I am part of the LBGTQ Community.”