Previously Published Elsewhere: As I Get Older, I Have Learned To Depend on Others …

… and that’s OK!

My condo photo taken by the author.

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Louis just left the condo. He is a young, good-looking, virile, strong Black man. I paid him for his efforts, and he was grateful. I told him I would look forward to his returning at the end of the week, when I would be ready for him again. He replied, “Always look forward to helping you out!”

NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

Louis is one of the housekeeping staff at my condo. When I need support around the place, I call the management office to see if someone is available to help me. During the week, during the day, Louis is usually the one around.

He helped me take my approximately one dozen Christmas banker’s boxes off the top shelf in my closet about a month ago, then put them back after I had emptied them and decorated the place.

He just dropped by now to bring the empty boxes down again. I will un-decorate, and he will put them back on the top shelf in my closet. They will stay there until the day after Thanksgiving 2024.

I have been telling people, “I am almost 80 years old, you know!” Actually, this March I will turn 79 and a year later 80. But I figured that if I started using the 80 number now, it would not seem as frightening when it is my number.

How the hell did that happen? When I wake up in the morning, as I walk into the bathroom, I look in the mirror and mumble, “Holy shit! Who is that fat, old, ugly man?” Well, not fat, just overweight, and not ugly, just not young, but definitely an old man!

People say it is only a number, and you are only as old as you think you are. My reply is, “Yes, but often my body has a mind of its own!”

Part of growing old gracefully is knowing what you can still do and what you might want others to help you with, like taking down boxes from the top shelf in the closet and putting them back every Christmas season.

So even at close to 80, I do go back into the closet now and then 😃, but not for the same reason I did when I was just coming out in my 20s, 30s, and 50s. At that age, I finally decided that I would no longer be forced into the closet by homophobes and an unaccepting family.

In addition, I am not going to get any older sooner than I need to. I will continue to be active and do what I can. But I am smart enough to know that if I try to do certain things I used to be able to do, I will end up in the hospital — or, minimally, at the chiropractor’s office with back pain!

At first, it was difficult having to ask others for help. It felt like admitting defeat, admitting that I was less than I used to be, admitting old age. But the reality is that I cannot continue to do things the way I used to, and I have learned that asking for help is the brave thing. Admitting the reality of who I am as I approach 80 years old is the brave thing!

Now that my husband has died and I live alone, I depend on my cats to keep me company, to greet me at the door when I arrive home from running errands, to need me, and to talk up a storm fairly often. I do not consider them “my children” as many do, but rather, they are companions who help to fill out my life.

Since the cats cannot lift heavy boxes or help me move things around the condo, I hve found that people do not seem to mind helping us seniors.

I often experience goodwill from others, both those I know and strangers. When I am at the grocery store and need help putting the heavy bags into my car's trunk, I get a smile and the help I requested. I receive a nod and a smile when I ask someone to help me get my suitcase up into the overhead bin on the airplane or off the conveyor belt on arrival. When my computer died, and I took it into the service shop to have the memory erased, I asked the clerk if he could help me get it out of the car. “No problem,” was his reply.

When appropriate, I tip for the help. Never less than $2.00 and up to $20.00, depending on the level of help received. Often, I am told, “No thank you” to the tip, but I usually place it into the helper’s hand or pocket and tell them not to argue. If I get someone who really does not want the tip, I say, “Would you take the joy away from me of my giving this to you?” That usually works.

So I have reached a good balance of doing what I can for myself, asking for help when I need it, and not feeling guilty for asking, and besides, there are so many wonderful benefits of growing older that make having to depend on others now and then seem like a small trade off.

One benefit is gaining a better perspective on life and what it really means to live.

Being good to others is also so important.

Helping others meet their dreams, as I, having met most of mine, get older, is key. Having financial security for myself, which enables me to share with those who are still working towards successful lives, feels good. Now, as I rely on others, others can rely on me.

Supporting college tuition here and there for youth who otherwise could not afford it makes me happy. Donating towards a relative or friend’s down payment on a new home feels good. Helping to finance a new car for someone whose car is totally on its last legs and therefore a danger waiting to happen for its owner is good to do. Paying off a credit card that was used poorly but that has now taught the person using it to be more careful in how they manage their finances makes all the difference in the world. Anonymously sending a large sum to a young actor trying to make it in “show biz” makes me smile. Making charitable contributions to organizations supporting good causes makes me feel like I have earned my place in this life. Once in a while, handing a fifty-dollar bill to a complete stranger on the corner begging for a meal speaks of love.

And finally, but not least of all, supporting unknown youth in the LGBTQ Community as if they were your children, when you have none of your own, and when they have no parents they love enough to call their own, through organizatons who provide that support, helps to make the world a better place for all of us.

And this level of charitable giving is the highest possible since it is done completely anonymously.

Here is to old age and living your best life as well as you can, for as long as you can.